Of funerals and friends...

In the last two months I have attended two funerals. The first one was of a very dear friend of mine. You might have read elsewhere in my blog some of my thoughts and my deperate feelings of loss on his death. It was a huge loss for me and I still adjust and miss him every single day. He died in a motor car accident - sudden and with no goodbyes...his last words and laugh still in my memory as if yesterday...

The second one was the death of a colleague and former boss. He committed suicide a week ago. He stayed and worked about 400 kilometers away from where I work and live, but we had had a good working relationship when he was with us, and we got on very well, and kept in touch albeit on an irregular basis. While listening to the Preacher and all the other people talk about him, he sounded exactly as we knew him 7-8 years prior. I don't know why he did what he did, I forgive him as there is nothing else for me to do but forgive him. He did what he thought best at the time and I respect him for that even if I don't agree with what he did.

I attended both funerals. The first I don't remember much of, not a word of what the Preacher said, not what songs we sang, nothing beyond my continual tears and the full church. I don't even recall what the coffin looked like - or what colour flowers were on the coffin - nothing, beyond the blue sky, my tears (sobs actually), and the very deep hole in the brown ground...I know they say as Christians we need not be grief-filled but despite the saying/expectation even, when I lose someone I love I am grief-filled. It takes me time to get over that and rejoice in the deceased's expected salvation...

The second funeral I attended this week. It was attended by about the same number of people as the first one, though I knew almost no one except his wife and two young children, who were both pleased to have seen me. We sat right behind the coffin so I had enough time to study the coffin and the flowers. Not that one does this deliberately, but I guess when you look hard enough at the coffin while trying to make sense of what the Preacher is trying to say, then maybe something filters into the thoughts...even though I was upset at his death, and did shed some tears, I didn't feel the crippling grief I felt at the loss of my former friend, thus I could see what was going on around me as opposed to being grief blind and not seeing anything as at the first funeral...

I often wonder why we go to funerals. Especially perhaps, those of former colleagues or friends, that we may not have kept in touch with, but when we find out about the funeral arrangements, it's almost as if we feel compelled to go and say our final goodbyes. I mean the person is not there, so sometimes I wonder whom are we saying goodbye to? ...Does just being there bring any closure for us perhaps? Do we go to remind ourselves we once were friends and now he/she is gone? Do we go to show our face to whomever? Will we keep in touch with his grieving wife or not? Or do we sometimes go because it might be seen as the socially right thing to do?

I know I go to funerals mainly to say my farewells, I imagine others might feel the same. But I do know of some people who go to everyone's funeral just for the sake of being seen and to say "Shame I was there, his poor wife...blah blah blah..." I know I don't go to funerals if I didn't know the person personally or even respect or like him/her. It can be my hubbie's boss, if I didn't like him I wouldn't go...

And then some funerals are seen almost as a family rejoicing/celebration. There is cake and tea and the Aunt's talk to the children and remind them how big they have grown overnight ...why can't people arrange a family reunion at another time except a funeral? I always wonder....

My mom always said "Don't put flowers on my grave, give them to me while I am alive". I say the same thing to my girls. "And please also don't put huge photos of me on the coffin or in the church. In fact leave me in the coffin somewhere and don't spend a lot of money on the coffin, a plain coffin is more than OK - after all they are just going to burn me or throw me into a huge hole, who wants to spend R 18 000 on something they are going to burn or bury...(No criticism intended at all of the funerals I have attended, just mentioning stuff that came to my mind while quietly watching the events at the last funeral...)

And then eventually we pack up and go home and carry on with our lives. The deceased and funeral become perhaps just a blip in our memory, even though that is not the intention at the time. Sometimes we may recall fondly something of the deceased, other times we can't even mention his/her name for the tears just below the surface that take forever to go away...

And we leave those left behind, those truly left behind, to continue with their lives, often without any further support from us.

Sometimes we don't realise that the ones who are left behind to continue without help and love, may not always be the obvious family members...they are the ones also walking the lonely road on their own...

LG